James' Ramblings

I can't sleep. I need to, but I can't...it's the worst feeling in the world. I am going to fall asleep knowing that when I wake up a few hours from now, I won't be refreshed and subsequently will be tired the entire day. That's what most of my weekdays are consisted of. Maybe things will change. Fat chance...there are two kinds of people in this world. The liars and the non-liars. Whichever becomes your friend is your choice. Some people like liars, like to lie and some people are truthful and trustworthy. The only answer to find out the truth is life. You have to live it and you'll find out sooner or later. I just hate the ones who tell you one thing and you KNOW that they're lying and is feeding you bullshit. What do they get? Amusement apparently. People just joke things off. I fucking hate that. What do I get? The worse feeling inside you. The bad feeling when you know you can't trust people...it sucks. There are a few people in my life or was in my life that I could really trust. Really trust. Not the usual meet me for lunch at 12 or could you send these letters out kind of trust. I mean trust like would you stick up for me in situations, even though you know I'm wrong. Would you do so and so for me and not tell anyone...as telling anyone would result in disastrous consequences. Of those few people, I'm hesitant and sad to say that there are just a couple in my life now. I'm not saying who. You know who you guys are and I know who they are. That's all that anyone needs to know. The world needs more people like these people. It's just...sad. You spend your entire life with the people you choose and sometimes that turns out to be a blessing. Sometimes not so great. But you need them. You need both kinds of people to live, which is strange. You should just be able to live by yourself if you could, but you can't. You can't just live with the liars, because then you wouldn't even know the truth. Living with just the honest ones is just, well, boring. A careful blend of each will yield the best results. Do you have the right blend? I am going to start an internet site offering services for money with my friend that I've ignored for the most part after H.S. It turns out that sometimes the ones you hated are the ones that really care. Strange how that works. I know who my friends are and of those friend, a few of them I've got to know them well enough that I know when they're sincere. It's just a matter of whether or not I should do anything about it. I am going to get shit for teaming up with my old friend to do this site, but he's the only one who was willing to put forth the effort to start something like this with me. Some just said yes and never took action with me. I can't deal with that. So continuing on my life at age 20, I guess I'm still searching for great friends. Great friends that I thought I had up to now aren't really that great anymore. Sad to say. People replace people, friendships are replaced by other friendships...but memories stay. I will still have the memories of when my friends WERE actually friends. I don't know if they had a plan or what. What is the meaning of my life? Is it to just satisfy the fucking life of another friend by giving up some happiness of mine? Is it to be existing so I can hear the bullshit of this world and not be given enough power to do anything about it? Is it to go out of my fucking way to make another person's life easier? Shit, I'm tired of this. In a little more than a day, I will be moving out of this house and moving into a new house, with different people. I think it's a good decision on my part. I will be able to get away from a lot of my troubles and worries. What am I sacrificing for that? I don't know. I'll know in the future when I look back at my entire life and see what I've accomplished. I need to start putting my priorities in order. It's the people who do that correctly who become successful. But what is success? It is characterized by your status in society? I don't think so. I'll bet that even a homeless person out on the streets is a better person than most living in this world. Wanna argue that with me? I don't want to. You go try living out in the streets and giving up everything you have to survive. I'm sure most will give up and go back to one of their "friends" for help. Well what about the people who don't have friends? Friends are taken for granted. I hate it when I'M taken for granted...again sad to say that I am sometimes. I notice it yes, do I say anything? No. Why you ask? Because it's not worth the effort. Some people just don't fucking care if you are there or not. You're just there to use. When I become 21. I'm willing to bet that friends that I haven't talked to in days, months, or even years might come to me asking to buy alcohol. And you know what? I will for the most part. Why you ask again? Because I just hate to see people getting let down. But sometimes you just have to let them down to make them realize the importance of a friend. If they still don't get it. I have no solution for that. Go fucking find other friend's who'll be your bitch. "Good things come to those who wait"...is it true? Maybe. I have been waiting quite sometime for something good to happen to me and frankly I think I've gotten it. In the big view of things, that phrase doesn't apply to things like, winning a trophy or getting an A or shit like that. It's the more valuable things in life. Your true love, accomplishing what you've wanted to do since you can remember, making someone happier than they've ever been before. That's the things. What's the good that's happened to me? Well I'm sure someone can figure that out. College is one of the best times in your life. If someone tries to tell you it's the best time of your life, who's to say that? What if your childhood was the best time of your life? Other people don't know your life. Frankly I don't think college is THE best time of my life, but it sure it a good time. New people, new experiences, and new ideas sprout. Yet...I'm still waiting for the good things to come my way. Working, paying bills, schooling, and shit like that will hopefully pay off for me in the future. When someone tries to out do you in something they have no idea about...that just pisses me off. To this day, only a few people know the shit I've gone through and had to deal with in my life. If you're not one of them, please, don't fucking try and impress me with your bullshit. I don't CARE if you're smarter than me. I don't CARE if you have more money than me. I don't CARE if you think you are a better person than me. Everyone is individually perfect. Hell, most animals are smarter than most fucking humans. Go out there try to survive for even a month. I'll guarantee you'll get eaten by the bacteria in the end. Why do you frown upon Hitler? Bin Laden? Why do you praise soldiers who KILL the enemies? Who's a better person? Each are fighting for what they believe in. So who's right? Obviously the bad guys are wrong...since they're...well, bad guys. A lot of people disagree on my liking of Hitler, Stalin, Genghis Kahn. Yeah they tried to take over the world. Yeah they killed millions of people. What's the furthest you've gone to obtain what you want? I bet it's not THAT far. I'm nearing the end of my thoughts and I do have to get going to bed. I feel a little better now that this is over. I hope people begin to realize that life ain't a game. It's war.............